Growth

I planted seeds with Avery yesterday. Just in little starter pods that we will grow in the house until the weather is warm enough to move them. Even though today is a snow storm, spring is on the horizon.

Everyone starts over in January. The beginning of a new year, a fresh start. I've always thought of spring as a good place to begin again rather than January. Winter darkness keeps you in a rut for so long and then the snow starts to melt and the green starts to break through and there is hope that there is a light at the end of a long, cold tunnel.

The birds come back and flowers start growing and everything is fresh and new. Plants that seemed dead for so long start to bud and you realize that they were just sleeping, waiting for the right time to show their beauty.

I feel like I've been in a winter rut for a long time. Longer than the winter, and now I am starting to feel like there is a little bit of new growth sprouting through.

Dragging myself to the gym becomes looking forward to the gym again. The sweat and the endorphins and the mental break. The stress relief. Even the soreness feels good. And it's not about my body, it's about my mind. Clearing the muddy water by letting it settle. Focusing on something else, tiring myself enough that I don't have to think sometimes.

Wasting time dealing with drama on a facebook group has turned into reading and reading more, and writing more than I've done in years. I miss the community but I don't miss the responsibility. There is a weight off my shoulders that tells me it was the right decision to end it. And a little bit of inner peace because being "Public Lauren" was more tiring and consuming than I realized it was. The shots and the comments and the messages and the rumors. Opening myself up to so many people came with more than I had ever wanted, and I am glad that part of me is put to rest. I do not miss that Lauren. I do not miss what came with that Lauren.

I feel more settled with myself than I have in a really long time, and I feel like the new season that is hopefully creeping in will bring more new growth than just in the garden.

I'm excited to spend the days in the soil with the kids, planting and pruning and getting dirt under our nails. Relaxing and talking and growing. Growing plants and growing my littles and waking the little parts of me that have been dormant for too long.